A Cosmic Interruption to Our Triumphant Return (We Are Still Closed!)
Dearest beloved ones,
Billi Jene here, sending you vibrations of peace, clarity, and deep patience. I am writing to you today from a place of profound spiritual testing. As many of you know, retrograding planets can really muck up earthly logistics, and Mercury has absolutely chosen violence this week.
We are, regrettably, remaining CLOSED.
I know, I know. Your morning chakras are misaligned without our lavender oat milk lattes, especially since we almost had the doors unlocked this morning. Here is the latest update on our ongoing earthly journey:
The Bat Situation Is Contained
First, the wonderful news. Our mammalian diplomatic crisis has reached a peaceful standstill. While our beautiful colony of Ozark Big-Eared Bats is still technically residing in the rafters, our heavy-duty plastic containment barriers have been officially inspected. The guest areas are fully isolated, meaning our food and beverage zones are now completely protected from any airborne debris. We were completely cleared to open the doors.
The Great Winfield Mix-Up
With the bats managed, we ordered a beautiful, industrial-grade commercial ice machine to finally keep your cold brews crisp for the grand reopening. Unfortunately, the delivery driver did not align his third eye with the GPS. Instead of bringing it to us here in Winfield, Missouri, he drove it straight across state lines to Winfield, Kansas.
The Hostage Situation
Mandel and I called the business where it was mistakenly dropped off to politely ask for our machine back. They refused. They claim that because it landed on Kansas soil, it belongs to the sunflowers now. They are currently using our machine to chill their midwestern sodas, completely oblivious to the karmic debt they are accumulating.
Mandel’s Retaliation Plan
As I type this, Mandel’s jar is balanced on the edge of the counter, bubbling with absolute rage. He is vibrating so hard against the glass that he almost tipped himself into the sink. He wants to hire a rogue band of local bikers to launch a covert midnight raid on Kansas to repossess our property. I am trying to convince him that a sage cleansing and a strongly worded legal affidavit from our cousin's lawyer is the more enlightened path.
When will we try again?
As soon as we either balance this financial knot with the state of Kansas, or Mandel figures out how to operate a getaway vehicle without limbs. We are aiming for later this week, depending on how the border negotiations go.
Until then, please breathe through the disruption. Keep your third eye open, avoid the entire state of Kansas, and remember that temperature is just a construct of the mind.
Infinite love and light,
— Billi Jene Taylor & Mandel (Husband #9)